night cravings
I’m craving for the feeling of sudden loss of appetite, usually brought on by a force of insecurity. My craving has been fulfilled tonight. I wanted to retire early tonight, but now I am here, writing away. I want to be withering away.
I have so many nightmares lately. I have dreams in which I binge too much and feel anxious, and I wake up feeling just as bad. More often, though, I have dreams of past mistakes. A former roommate that I regretfully wronged always appears. I apologize every night. My attempts fail. My dreams make me anxious. There doesn’t seem to be a reprieve.
I am currently reading Freedom by Jonathan Franzen. I am really enjoying it, but some things inside just resonate too much with me, and it makes me emotional. I haven’t gotten consumed in a book in so long. It feels nice.
I thought that fall and winter were my favorite seasons, but I am realizing that spring holds a special place in my mind—renewal, clouds, dresses, rain, warmth. It brings back memories, vivid memories.
I often speak of dreams because my life is so lackluster. I long for freedom. I long for confidence. My insecurities inhibit me. I do not feel human. I do not feel fully human.
So much to say, but I can’t bring myself to say it.
